It was a Monday afternoon, I had just got M up from his nap, and I was reading a wonderful article about things I shouldn’t be saying to my very impressionable son. You know to avoid the whole raising a depressed, suicidal, menace to society, poor excuse for a human being type kid…NOTE the sarcasm there. I am not usually one to even read any of this stuff, since I am a firm believer we really think too much about being a good parent…but here I sat reading away, snorting at number 4 “don’t tell your child they did a good job”…ooohhhhhkkaaaayyyyy…. and I look down and see M playing alone. My heart sunk.
I don’t need articles to tell me how to be a good mom, or how to raise my son right. I realized in that moment I have wasted so many precious hours reading RIDICULOUS articles, telling me what not to do, and terrifying me into believing whatever I do will cause my son to be an emotionally damaged person. I have wasted time I could be spending with him. Playing, teaching, watching, learning, reading, talking….it’s wasted. Time I cannot get back. I feel stupid. Reading an article about breastmilk vs formula, spanking, cry it out, saying “no”, and so on WILL NOT ensure I have a well-balanced boy, nor does it make me any better of a mom then the next mom. Spending my time with him, no devoting my time to him will.
There he was playing alone, he is pretty independent, but I realized he is USED to playing alone. This is something I find hard to admit. I don’t spend my day playing with him. I spend it going through the motions.
Wake up.
Ddrink my coffee.
Eat breakfast together.
Play time while I clean up.
Nap time.
Get up.
Lunch.
Go out if we need to for errands
Nap.
Up.
Play a bit while mom gets dinner ready.
Dinner.
Bath
Bed.
What in the actual fuck am I doing?
Obviously we need to eat, and the house needs to get cleaned, but at what cost. Moments I have free where I could sit with him I’m reading a ridiculous article about how I SHOULD be raising my boy, instead of just raising him.
It broke my heart. it is still breaking my heart. He doesn’t need a mom who is well versed in the latest study, and all caught up on the newest parenting trend. He NEEDS a mommy who will get on the floor and roll around with him, play peek-a-boo until I want to rip out my hair, blow raspberries until I can’t breathe, and do anything to make him smile. And that is who I vow to be.
After dinner tonight instead of falling into my post dinner exhausted haze, I pushed him around on his “vet-mobile” and he had a smile from ear to ear. We made a memory tonight. And I learned I already knew how to be a great mom.
I was discussing breastfeeding the other day, and the question arose about how much he is eating, how often, if I was still breastfeeding, and when I planned to stop. I hate these questions because they are loaded. It is just a chance to have someone express their opinion about breastfeeding on you, and I’m over it.
I said that M still breastfeeds for most of his meals, he just isn’t interested in solid food, and believe me I try! He enjoys playing with real foods, squashing them, tasting them, throwing them, screaming at them, essentially everything but ingesting them… I stressed over it for a while, then I just figured he will eat when he is ready, I’m not forcing him to do anything…like really people have you ever met a 15-year-old who doesn’t eat? But once I brought this up, I got some looks, like I was starving my son. Let me just clear that up, he is 9 months old and weighs almost 21 pounds…I THINK he is doing just fine with our feeding routine. He still breastfeeds before each nap (twice a day), before bed, in the morning, and 1-3 times at night. We have a few snack times through the day with real food, but again he doesn’t actually swallow a lot of that. Am I worried about this? Not at all. Should you be worried? No. Any doctor that checked him out would say he is thriving, he is in the 90th percentile for growth…I am NOT starving my son, and I am not abusing him.
From there I was asked when I planned on stopping. With which I replied I don’t. I will let him self wean. Cue the “look’.
Now, I am returning to work soon, so he will get formula/milk at day care. But I will still nurse him to sleep, and probably when he wakes up. And not that it is anyones business why, but I will explain myself.
For starters, breast milk is one of THE MOST nutritious things you can feed your child. It is LITERALLY formulated specifically for YOUR HUMAN baby. It is recommended to breastfeed for AT LEAST 2 years, not to wean at 1. I’m not saying that this is the path everyone is comfortable taking, and I rarely take recommendations seriously, but why the rush to wean? My breasts actually can produce milk with different nutritional values for my boy. If he is sick, they load up the antibodies, if it’s hot it becomes more “watered down”, when he gets older it becomes more calorically dense so my boobs don’t explode with 10 oz of milk every few hours. When he hits a growth spurt they produce more. I do nothing, my body is amazing and does this all on its own. Try getting your carton of milk to figure that one out.
Secondly, our life revolves around eating healthy, eating natural and pure foods, eating clean, and eating organic. Yet we force our children to wean early, take away the most nutritious thing we can provide for them, and replace it with “organic milk from a cow…” Seems kind of stupid when you actually think about it eh?
Third, there are so many misconceptions about extended breastfeeding, your toddler is NOT stuck to your boob like a newborn baby is. They are eating foods, and drinking different liquids. essentially it is a comfort thing, most commonly at night-time before bed in the privacy of your own damn home. So un-twist your panties. If I didn’t tell you I was planing on letting M self wean you likely would have no idea I was still breastfeeding. I was also told that he “won’t self wean because they won’t do that on their own.” Oh really? Well I can say without a doubt I have never met an 18-year-old who still breasfeeds, so I think we are ok on that front. But thanks for the info.
Forth point. I don’t think the bonding time is a bad thing. Now that I am planning on returning to work, I WANT that time at night, where it is just me and my baby. I want cuddles (because I rarely get them otherwise). I want us both to have some wind-down time at the end of the day, just mom and son. Do I think this will damage my son? Not at all. There will come a day when my baby boy won’t be a baby anymore, he won’t want his mommy, he won’t want cuddles before bed, he won’t want hugs and kisses, he will be a “big boy” so I’m going to soak up every last baby thing I can while it lasts. They grow up way too fast, and part of that is the parents forcing it in my opinion.
Lastly, and I would argue most importantly, what the hell is with this stigma about breast milk past one year? I will admit, before having my son I thought “once they can ask for it, they are too old” but I was a naive dumbass, that was severely under-educated about extended breastfeeding. Please can someone answer me why the fuck we wean our babies from HUMAN breast milk because it is “weird”, and put them on COW breast milk? Because that’s what it is…. it’s milk from a cow’s tit. Bet you never thought of it that way eh? Why is it normal to feed a different mammals milk to our kids. That’s fucked up if you ask me. Would you think it was normal for me to pump my own milk and feed a puppy? No you’d think I lost my damn marbles, and rightfully so, I’d be concerned about myself as well. So my point stands…it’s not “natural” to feed non-human breast milk, it is just “normal”.
I think it is time for everyone to get over their own issues with breastfeeding. If someone can walk around a store with their ass crack showing, belly top on, and DDD boobs flopping about, without someone getting offended, I tink moms should be able to use their boobies for their intended purpose, FEEDING their kiddos.
I am not saying it is “wrong” to wean at a year or even 3 months, hell even never breastfeeding is fine. All I am saying is it also isn’t “wrong” to breastfeed a 3-year-old. I once read a comment on a mom group that said breast-feeding (not even just extended but in general) was perverted, unnatural, and weird… I wanted to claw through my computer screen and rip out her eyes. Apparently she missed anatomy class, because sorry hun that’s what your tits were designed for.
The way I choose to feed my son is none of your damn business. If YOU have an issue with what boobs are DESIGNED FOR then you my friend are the one with the issue, not me. My breasts are not for sexual purposes, they are not to look at, they are not to sell clothing, my breasts are made so I can feed my children. Deal with it.
Well, I have been on a bit of a hiatus. I have been taking up new hobbies, and spending some quality time with my little man. I’ve cut down my internet time because truthfully I was becoming an addict! I still check in with my awesome mommy group regularly but I’m not glued to my screen all day! Anyway that is my little “blerb” about my absence.
Anyway, I want to discuss a touchy subject today. When I started this blog, this was never my intent to get all “political” about mommy topics because LAWWWWDDDD we all know we hear it enough. But this is a topic that I am actually passionate about. In general I am a laid back mom and mommy-friend. I am not pushy, and I do not think the way I parent is any better than the next mom. I think this comes across in most of my blog posts. I am really just looking for acceptance, as are all other moms. But vaccination, this is what gets my blood boiling. I’ll be blunt, I am SICK & TIRED of this “anti-vaccine” movement. I will get into why and post some fabulous (maybe a bit biased, maybe not) articles and blogs. But followers I am over it.
So why? Why am I annoyed? I will tell you, I am annoyed because I cannot find one damn piece of actual legitimate real scientific evidence telling me my son is going to spontaneously combust because I am keeping up to date with his vaccines. Not one my peeps! Maybe I haven’t looked hard enough because frankly I don’t give a cats ass but I just don’t see any valid arguments, and I am apart of a lot of mommy groups.
The autism linked to vaccine argument would easily be my biggest pet peeve as a mother. This has been disproven about a bajjillion times. The “doctor” has been discredited, and stripped of his license, and most importantly the study has been retracted (meaning he takes it back…lol). Yet, this argument is still taking place across parenting groups! Lawd educate yourself! Furthermore I am DISTURBED to my core that parents even USE this as an excuse. I’m sorry, you’re worried your child might get autism? How about a dead baby? Hmm? Does that sound better? I have used this argument before and I will use it again, I can handle an autistic son, I would and will love him just the same. I will provide the love, and care he needs, I will work with professionals to help him develop as normally as possible if he were to ever “catch autism by vaccine” *rolls eyes*. I CANNOT however handle a dead son. Enough said. There are no professionals, or doctors out there (at least none I know) that can bring back the dead. Maybe it is time to re-assess your priorities if this is your only argument.
Secondly, vaccinating is NOT a personal choice. So PLEASE stop saying it is. Our choices on vaccination, like many other things, impact EVERY SINGLE PERSON around us. My choice to vaccinate, not only doesn’t harm YOU or YOUR BABY but actually gives “anti-vaccers” the ability to do so with little risk. You COULD NOT stay clear of disease if every person in this country decided to stop vaccinating, so YOU’RE WELCOME. However, YOUR choice to NOT vaccinate DOES impact me. My son is almost 8 months old, he cannot have every vaccine as of yet. You vaccinate not only to protect yourself, but to protect others around you. “Heard vaccination”, we vaccinate to protect the immune-compromised, pregnant women, babies, and the elderly, who are at a higher risk or unable to be vaccinated. It is not all about you.
There is also the argument that states vaccines are “poisoning” our children and our bodies. I laugh at this. Really? This is what you are deciding to cause an uproar about? What about our air pollution? Or our water quality? Or how about the big ginormous flipping holes in our ozone layer? Not to mention the MacDonalds you are stuffing your 4 year olds face with. I hope you plan on eliminating that poison creating car you drive, because if not YOU my friend are a hypocrite. I am no scientist, so I can’t give a completely educated opinion about the chemicals, and additives within a vaccine, but this little blerb is FANTASTIC! And this scientist is my new hero….
I am also flabbergasted with the “vaccines are not necessary and it’s better to build a “natural” immunity”. Ok, no. Vaccines are indeed necessary, please go ask people in third world countries. I’m pretty sure they would smack you all kinds of ways if they found out we get FREE vaccines, but decline them…. Again, the ONLY reason people can be un-vaccinated and stay “healthy” is because the vast majority of us Canadians do vaccinate, and keep out-breaks small. So AGAIN you are welcome. There is something to be said for building up an immunity, but ACTUALLY vaccines DO build your immunity by stimulating it. Catching the common cold, sorry to say, will not protect you from measles, meningitis, polio, or shingles. Giving vitamin C isn’t going to “save you”. Hell I take vitamin C regularly, every damn day, along with a multi vitamin, and I still get a frigging cold that knocks me on my ass for a week!
This blog post by someone who was NEVER vaccinated is a really great perspective from someone who has experience on both sides. So again please read it!
Obviously this is one persons experience and opinion, but damn she has a good opinion! This in particular stood out!
“If you think your child’s immune system is strong enough to fight off vaccine-preventable diseases, then it’s strong enough to fight off the tiny amounts of dead or weakened pathogens present in any of the vaccines.”
Thank you!
There is also the ever annoying argument about them having a reaction, or anaphylactic attack. Okay this is technically a valid concern. I work in a veterinary office as a technician, we do vaccines all day long, mind you it’s on furry children, and I can honestly say I have yet to see a life threatening reaction. Some react very mildly, itching, vomiting, diarrhea, etc., some have severe reactions. The point being, we assess the situation TOGETHER, and we give the best MEDICAL advice as PROFESSIONALS. There are people who will react to the vaccine, of course there is, and there always will be. These people cannot be vaccinated. So we should be doing our part to keep them safe by vaccinating when possible.
And finally, who in their right mind wants their child to suffer from a PREVENTABLE disease….seriously! I think you’d feel like a pretty shitty parent knowing you could have prevented your babies pain.
I think there are great compromises between the two arguments. Like delaying vaccines until a child is a year or even two, this isn’t for me specifically, but it works. Or spreading out vaccines as a baby. Instead of 2 or 3 at once you do 1 a visit. A luxury we have in Canada since doctor visits are covered by OHIP. I don’t believe going to the extreme of no vaccines, ever, is necessary. I also believe doctors should offer up these options more often.
I try to stay un-biased, and understanding of people’s opinions and the way they raise their children, because it really is none of my business. But this is actually my business, because it does indeed affect me, and my family. Choosing to not vaccinate is not a decision to make lightly because some moms on a Facebook group scared you with “big scary chemicals” that are in these vaccines, don’t let them make up your mind out of fear, and uneducated, unprofessional opinions. THINK about it.
I tend to choose my blog topics based on things I notice in a day, comments I read, or personal experiences. This blog is no different. As I have mentioned countless times, I am a very lucky mama who found a fabulous group of ladies, that have no judgement towards each other, and support every mom even if they don’t agree with their parenting methods. I have seen it, while I was beginning my “adventure” into sleep-training, so many moms were there “virtually” holding my hand through it all, EVEN if they didn’t agree with what I was doing. I have paid this forward countless times, coaching moms through sleep training or offering other more suitable suggestions that better fit their parenting style. So when I log onto other mom groups and see the hatred, and arrogance some women have towards other moms I am shocked. Yesterday I stumbled across a post on a mommy support page from a first time mom. She essentially was telling everyone her baby was perfect, and mom’s that complain about breastfeeding, sleepless nights, etc. need to just make easier choices like formula feeding and sleep training, because we “make parenting too complicated”. Valid point about complicating parenting, and I don’t think she meant to come off as an arrogant biznatch, but you can imagine the wrath this women received from a bunch of hormonal, sleep deprived women. It was… interesting to say the least. The thing that really bothered me was that her daughter is only 2 months old, and she is “one and done”. How can you “know-it-all” and boast that your VERY new infant is perfect… You have no IDEA what the next 40-50 years have in store. My comment to her was straight-forward and simple. “Just you wait”.
Nobody has all the answers, and as you may have noticed from previous posts I am one of those clueless moms, who claws her way through day-by-day, pulling shit outta my ass, making choices on the fly, and hoping for a good outcome. I by no means have all the answers, and I have eaten many of my own words in the last 6 months. I have been humbled.
As a parent we are faced with multiple choices on a daily basis. Some of these choices are easy, and some are very hard too make. What determines the ease of a decision is based on your personality along with your child. Too confidently say that formula feeding or sleep training will enlighten everyone’s life and make parenting easier is so so naïve. What is easy for you could be impossible for some and vice versa. Sleep training went very smoothly for us. It was “easy”. I never endured over 30 minutes of screaming. My son took to it very well, and within a week we were sleeping through the night. Breastfeeding has been “easy” for me. Yes we have had our hiccups, and issues, but we perserveered and made it through. For me formula feeding, actually bottle feeding in general, seems like the worst thing on the planet to me. I have NO interest in pumping daily, washing bottles, warming up milk, spending money on formula, to me it is a nightmare. To pop out my girls is easy. Having my son in his own bed from the get go was easy. I never slept well if I co-slept, so THAT was hard. With all that said, some will completely disagree. Breastfeeding can be extremely difficult, and sometimes impossible. Sleep training, is not for every baby, and co-sleeping works for a lot of people. These are “easy” for others. Does that mean I am parenting wrong? Or they are parenting wrong? Not at all. We are doing what is easiest for us.
I will say that I sort of understood her point, in that some parents do make their lives more difficult, by simply being stubborn. I can say this because I was indeed one of them. I should have started sleep training weeks before I did, but I didn’t because it was “wrong” and I was being stubborn. Me cuddling him and nursing him to sleep was keeping him awake, when I finally gave him the opportunity to fall asleep on his own he did, to my surprise. It was a hard choice, and was hard too do, but our lives are easier for it. Sometimes you need to be flexible and try something you never thought you would try. If you feel strongly about something but it just isn’t working maybe it’s time to tweek your method.
I shouldn’t have to say this, as you should already understand this concept, but EVERY baby is an individual. Not every baby wants to be cuddled to sleep, not every baby can breastfeed, and so on. Every baby is going to respond to different situations and parenting techniques in a very different way. What works for me is NOT going to work for you, but maybe you can take bits and pieces of what I have suggested and work it in your own fab mommy way.
When parents complain, they aren’t looking for your judgement or your parenting tips, they are looking for an understanding “I get it”, and “That’s awful you must be so frustrated/angry/tired/sad”. Sometimes they may ask for help, but they mostly just want understanding. So be there, and UNDERSTAND. You have no idea of the situation another parent is going through, and to blindly say that a parent is making their life difficult by sticking to their guns and suffering through sleepless nights because CIO isn’t for them, or wincing every time their baby latches because they WANT to breast feed, is arrogant. I give props to parents who push through the hard times and stick to something they believe in and feel strongly about. Sometimes the stars align and your child has a personality so similar to you that your methods just click. Others (like myself) have babies with strong, stubborn, demanding personalities that don’t mesh with their own, so you have to be open and non dismissive of something you never thought was for you. It’s ignorant to say that your baby is perfect, so is mine, he’s just full of life and wants what he wants when he wants it, but I wouldn’t have him any other way. Even if you have a laid back baby, who KNOWS what they will be like as a toddler, child, or teenager. That’s just bad baby juju right there, and karma has a sense of humor….
Parenting is about sacrifice, be it little or small, what you choose to sacrifice is up to you. And I will never judge for that. What is important to me might not be important to you and vice versa. Things I can live without, may drive you mental even imagining. And what’s wrong with that? Nothing. Your doing a bang up job, be proud of yourself.
When I found out I was pregnant I naturally took the next step and made a doctors appointment to discuss “where to go from here”. At this appointment I was given the option of continuing my care with a family doctor, seeing an OB or getting my prenatal care with a midwife. Truthfully I hadn’t even realized there was a choice. I was very oblivious too prenatal care. My doctor gave me till the next appointment to choose what route I wanted to take. I honestly wasn’t sure. Everything I read online was so biased, and was mostly horrific stories. I couldn’t make up my mind. So naturally I procrastinated.
My fiancé had been talking too some guys at work who had all gone the midwife route with their wives. They all had very positive things to say about it. A few even had an OB the first time around and said they would always use a midwife after their experience. After hearing some men boost about midwives I read a little more into it (the night before my doctor’s appointment) and made my choice. I told my doctor and she gave me a few referals, and I called around. I was lucky to find a midwife that would take me on as I was already 12 weeks along. I had a team of two that alternated between office visits and on-call/delivery. I was weary at first because it is so informed choice, and EVERY choice is up to you, and I felt like because I wanted testing, and bloodwork, and ultrasounds for piece of mind maybe I had made the wrong choice. Maybe midwife care wasn’t for me because I wanted these things, and didn’t decline ANY test given to me. I felt they were important tests, and for me I needed the piece of mind. I didn’t want a home birth, I wanted to be at a hospital. So when I was given choices I felt like I was being pressured into doing things I didn’t want to do. But then I realized, they were giving me the choice to make, they weren’t telling me to do ANYTHING I didn’t want to. If I wanted the gestational diabeties test I got it, if I wanted to have the vitamin K injection at birth I got it. Midwifery care is not just for “hippie” moms, or moms who want as natural a birth as possible, it is for moms who want to be an intergral part of the decision process. I wanted to know why things were recommended, and I wanted an un-biased opinion to explain the pros and the cons to me so I understood. I essentially wanted someone to help me through my pregnancy and hold my hand while guiding me on my journey.
I got a bit of flack from some people for my choice. I think it is because people are un-educated about what a midwife is. I got “so your going to be one of THOSE moms.”, “your not having the baby at your house are you?”, “I’d just be so worried something would happen, an OB knows what to do.” At first it made me question my choice, but after my first visit with my midwife I was reassured that I had made the right choice for me.
With a midwife I was able to make the choice (after going over pros and cons) that I wanted bloodwork done, I wanted to go ahead with IPS screening, I wanted the gestational diabeties test, I wanted the group B strep test, I wanted the newborn eye drops, I wanted my son to have the vitamin k injection. I was able to tell them I wanted to try labouring at home for as long as possible, I wanted to be drug free until I was begging, I wanted to avoid an episiotomy at all costs, and I wanted to avoid induction. They agreed with my choices and pushed for me to get all I wanted out of my birthing experience.
A midwife is not someone who just decides they want to assist in delivering babies. They have to complete a 4 year bachelor program, most of which consider previous university experience an asset in the application screening process. They spend 4 years focused on pregnancy, labour, delivery, and babies. I’m not saying doctors don’t but I highly doubt they spend more then that. So are doctors more “qualified” in my opinion not at all. When I went to my first appointment, I was given a quick summary of when my care would be transferred from a midwife to an OB. If for any reason I became a “medium-risk” case, for example blood pressure issues I would be put on joint care. I would still see my midwife but I would also be referred to a specialist in high risk pregnancies, seems pretty sweet to me. If I became “high-risk”, for example pre-clampsia, or gestational diabeties, I would be transferred to a high-risk obstetrician. Not just an OB I would be getting transferred to a specialist. That made me feel very confident in the care I was receiving.
I was given every opportunity someone being cared for by an OB would have received. My wait times at the clinic were less then 20 minutes, my appointments were 45 minutes. We listened to the babies heart rate every visit, she let me feel babies head with my fingers. I never once had a pelvic exam, until I requested a stretch and sweep. I was never weighed, I was never told I was gaining too much weight. I had a pager I could call at any time of day for emergencies, and an answering machine I could leave questions on to be answered the next day. I had reassurance my entire pregnancy. I was never told “that’s just a pregnancy symptom.” everything I told either of my midwives was taken seriously.
Once I went into labour, my midwife was only a phone call away (as she had been my whole pregnancy), she assessed me over the phone and came too my house at 1am. I was only 1 cm dilated. She told me I wouldn’t be admitted till 5cm so try and rest and she would be back in the morning. She gave me gravol and Tylenol and left. She came back at 9am and when she assessed me I was 7cm so we headed too the hospital. I arrived and she had already admitted me and had my room set up. She coached me through my contractions, as I was 9.5cm when I arrived. There was no time for any pain relief, so it was all on me to get through the contractions. She got me in different positions to push even though I was begging to lay down. She pushed me to my limits because I had to be. She told me I had to push harder and longer or my baby wasn’t coming out. And I did. I gave it everything I had, and she told me I was doing amazing. Midwives have laws they have to follow, and at 2 hours with no progress she had to consult an OB. I ended up needing a C-section but my midwife stayed with me the whole time. She was there helping me understand the questions and forms I was signing before my surgery as I was in so much pain I couldn’t even see straight. She was there while I got prepped. She was there during the FOUR attempts the anesthesiologist took to get in my spinal. She was there sticking up for me when the anesthesiologist was complaining I was moving too much. I had a 9 pound baby trying to rip itself out of my uterus YOU try and stay still! She let all the doctors and nurses know we didn’t know the gender, and we wanted dad to tell me. She stayed with my baby while I was being sewn up after the C-section. She helped my fiancé coach me, and helped him stay calm my whole labour. She kicked all my family out of my room at 9pm. And she was there every day I was in the hospital. She was just there.
I got home visits for the first 2 weeks, which made life a lot easier after a c section. She helped me learn how to breast feed from the moment I saw my son. She was there when I was emotionally raw, and feeling low, she was there to pick me up and tell me this was all normal. She was there on the phone everytime I called crying thinking something was wrong with my son. I was lucky to have after care with my midwife for 6 weeks. I was very upset to leave their care but they couldn’t keep me on forever. When I went back to my doctor, it just justified how happy I was with my midwives. My first appointment got rescheduled two times, and it took an hour to see my doctor and I was only in there for 10 minutes. I had asked to breastfeed after my sons vaccines and they told me there was no where I could go. I ended up breastfeeding In the bathroom. I understand doctor offices are a busy place, but bedside manner seems to have vanished (for the most part). Don’t get me wrong my doctor is an amazing person and she really is a nice lady, she is just very over booked, for the hours she works.
I am not saying this experience and approach is right for everyone because it isn’t. But you should know that you have options. Midwives aren’t untrained professionals who just grab your baby out of your lady parts and say here you go. They are trained in emergency procedures, they are trained in EVERYTHING baby! I will always use a midwife as long as health permits me to do so. I had an amazing experience, and look forward to my next baby because of these ladies.
I’m a new mom so you better believe I spend an uncanning amount of hours on the internet every week reading articles friends, family, and well strangers post, and I have come across articles regarding “parenting styles’ more then once. I am always a bit boggled by this as in “what the faq is a parenting style?”
“A parenting style is a psychological construct representing standard strategies that parents use in their child rearing. There are many differing theories and opinions on the best ways to rear children, as well as differing levels of time and effort that parents are willing to invest.
One theory of parenting style was developed by Diana Baumrind (1966).[1] She proposed that parents fall into one of three categories: authoritarian (telling their children exactly what to do), indulgent (allowing their children to do whatever they wish), or authoritative (providing rules and guidance without being overbearing). The theory was later extended to include negligent parents (disregarding the children, and focusing on other interests).” -Wikipedia
What? Really? Does it matter? As long as you don’t fall under the “negligent” stage does it honestly matter? Too each their own of course, but to me to “label” yourself in such a manner really is more of a burden. You kind of get stuck in a rut “well my parenting style is this, but my gut tells me this.” I think what REALLY bothers me about that little blurb is that it talks about eing willing to invest your time. WILLING to invest? As if you can bank your hours to use when your going to miss a hockey game. Invest your time…ugh it is about quality people NOT quantity. I’m sitting with my son right now while I write this and he is playing on his play mat by himself having, what I am sure is a very compelling conversation with our ceiling fan. Is this quality time? No. I invest my time in many things not just my son. I invest my time in my relationship with my husband, which may be why we are still together 8 almost 9 years. I invest my time in my dogs, my family, my friends, my housework, this blog. I spend QUALITY time with all aspects of my life. I make sure for at least 30 minutes a day my son has my undivided attention (usually at night) and we play, and giggle together, and smile, and my heart bursts with all kinds of gooey feelings for the little dude. However I can’t for my own sanity do that all day. Every other aspect of my life would suffer. So by investing more time with my son I would in fact be a worse mother as I would most likely begin to resent him, not ok. My son is not an object that I can “bank hours with” to catch a wicked promotion, he is a human being who I CHOOSE too spend time with, because I love him not because I want to be mom of the year. Then there is the part about the many different theories and opinions, well obviously. Anyone with half a brain can write a book, share their parenting style, and make you feel like a poo pile for doing something different. That’s all the articles, and studies boil down too, someone had an opinion about the way EVERYONE else should raise their kids, and wrote about it.
My parenting style? The “I do what I want method”
What is this method I speak of? well it consists of whatever I want it to. Whatever my gut and insticts tell me is right. I spend my day caring for my baby boy, I make sure he doesn’t hurt himself and stays alive, balancing mommy snuggles with independent play time, and the most important thing; making him giggle. I realize this whole parenting trend mostly pertains to your discipline style, but again why label it? There are a million different scenarios that may make you waiver from your selected parenting style, and why is that a big deal? Also there are a million ways your child can and WILL turn out as a toddler, child, and teenager, and then adult. Now if your sitting at your computer reading this going well, I will pick and choose how too raise my kid, well my friends you don’t have a parenting style… you are just a parent, don’t be offended that’s a good thing!
I suppose we will follow a more “authoritative” approach (if I MUST label it for the sake of this blog)), letting our son make his own choices and learning from his mistakes. That is how we both were raised. But if he is about to run into a road you better believe I’m going to go all authoritarian on his ass and tell him to march his butt right inside. And if he chooses to smoke crack like it’s his job at 14 ahhhh yes I’m going to whoop his butt.
My point is, why do we label ourselves? It seems very high-schoolish. Your a jock, your a punk, your emo, your a slut, your a band geek. I was just me, I can’t really think of one “group” I belonged to I hung out with a lot of different people, the “stoners”, the “cool kids”, the “art freaks”. I was an individual who had MANY interests, and enjoyed being around different people without labeling myself. I listened to heavy metal music, I smoked pot and went to parties with my friends, I was SOOOO into art and loved it, I took gym and enjoyed being active, I had a long term boyfriend (now husband) throughout school, and I loved spending time with my family. I’m sure if I wasn’t musically illiterate I would have been right there in the band playing a trumpet too. But here I sit a grown ass women, being forced into parenting cliques, and labels. Really did we not get enough of this as kids? Why are labels even necessary why can’t we just frigging parent our kids, and mind our own business while cheering on other parents for doing a wicked ass job!
I am a chameleon mama. I adapt how I react to a situation depending on THAT situation. Not because I am an authoritative mom, or an all natural mom, or go with the flow mom. Because I am my son’s mom and I want what is best for him regardless of the way that needs to happen.
I don’t know when labeling parents happened, ’cause I’m pretty sure my parents didn’t label themselves. And if you want to bend over backwards to fit a mold that’s your prerogative and that is fine, but I for one am going to join the “anti-labeled” parents club and do what I want.
I’m going too start off by saying, I realize this is a very “hot” topic. I also understand this is not everyone’s cup of tea. However this is MY blog, this is MY son, and I’ve struggled with this decision A LOT so I am not looking for attitude, or snarky remarks. I am writing this in hopes too help another mother who has struggled as I did with sleep problems from the get-go. If you don’t agree don’t read, if you read and still don’t agree, that’s fine but I really don’t give a shit about your opinion. There, now that’s out of the way I can get on with it.
My son and I have struggled with sleeping problems for well, since he was born. He has never been a good sleeper, like EVER. I think our best night was one night he did a full 8pm-5am stretch…but that was ONE night. Otherwise our average was up every 30-90 minutes EVERY night. I am not being dramatic, that was my life for 5 months. Now on top of the frequent wake ups my son was pretty difficult to actually get to sleep. I would find a “method” that worked, and then 3 weeks later he decided, “yah know what ma….I just don’t like that anymore.” Now as if getting up every hour, taking 1-2 hours to get him back too sleep every night wasn’t bad enough. Naps were a nightmare. He would on average take 2 naps a day lasting about 30-45 minutes in length. So that’s 1- 1.5hours of sleep a day. Not even CLOSE to the “recommended” average of 5+ hours a baby his age SHOULD be getting. It was a nightmare trying to get my son to sleep. I am being 100% honest when I say on our worst days it took me 2-3 hours of hard rocking, bouncing, shhing, humming, and feeding to get him to doze off for 30 minutes.
I began to absolutely dread nap time. I’d get a sinking feeling in my gut everytime my baby boy would rub his eyes. I wanted to cry since I knew what was in store for me. I tried to convinve myself that “he just isn’t sleepy, he doesn’t need the 5 hours of sleep babies need.” But everytime I looked at his red rimmed eyes, and watched him cry over something silly like the dog walking away from him, I knew he was just to tired, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was failing him. Unless you have been in this situation, you cannot begin to imagine the heartbreak watching your baby be utterly exhausted and not knowing how to help himself.
The methods and tricks I attempted to help my son sleep is ENDLESS! I have tried everything, and when I say I have tried everything….I mean LITERALLY EVERYTHING! We implemented a bedtime routine at 4 weeks, and stuck to it religiously. This helped for a bit and things were looking up but we slowly started regressing into poor sleep habits, which made for very long and tear-filled days. I kept telling myself it was a phase, he would figure it out, he just needed time to get his sleep on track. That day never came. Maybe I jumped the gun, but at 5 months 3-4 hours a night of sleep every night was getting old. I was a zombie, I cried a lot, I got frustrated over the simplest things, all I wanted was too sleep for longer then 2 hours at a time. That just wasn’t happening. Along with the poor sleeping patterns, my son was (and is) very stubborn about bottles. He just won’t take one. So there was/is no way for me to get any kind of help, although it was offered a lot by friends, family, and my hubby. On top of ALLLLLLL of this, my sweet baby decided only mommy would due at bed time and nap time. So even if I did feed him, daddy couldn’t help out by putting him down. I was drained, physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Please don’t get me wrong, I love that my son loves me and wants me but sometimes you just need a break, and I wasn’t getting one.
We started trying to implement different strategies to get him to sleep. We tried introducing solids, adding cereal too a bottle, dream feeds, shorter wake times, longer wake times, forcing more naps, skipping a nap, earlier bed times, later bed times, co-sleeping, sleeping in our room, sleeping in his own room, rocking to sleep, shhing, bouncing, bouncing on an exercise ball, music, white noise, fans, soother, no soother, using a blanket, using a lovey (banket with a stuffed animal on it), side sleeping, back sleeping, tummy sleeping, bassinet, swing, crib, car seat, bouncy chair, going for walks, car rides, dark quiet rooms, red night light, mom putting him to sleep, dad putting him to sleep, hell I prayed to a god I don’t believe in. Finally I decided to start a no cry sleep training method. Essentially I was to put him down awake, and pick him up and comfort him everytime he cried. This was an EPIC fail. Everytime he saw me he’d get more worked up, he would cry until blue in the face, and sometimes I’d have to blow on him to get him to breath again. We stuck it out for about 4-5 days and I saw no improvement in sleep, it actually seemed like it was worse?
I said “FUCK IT” and resorted to the “whatever works method”. I went back to the roots and staretd nursing him to sleep. it worked for awhile and then just didn’t. If my son would nurse to sleep, I would. He would suckle then pop off, suckle and pop off, he’d watch me, smile and giggle with me, coo at me, watch the dogs, stare at his walls, and then cry because he was tired, it was frustrating. So I started rocking him to sleep. Again this worked for maybe a week and then it just didn’t. He would get frustrated and punch me and pull my hair, suck my arm, again very frustrating. Then I started swaying him, singing to him, again “whatever works”. I was getting tired, fed up, and irritable. All I wanted was for my little boy to sleep and be rested, so he could enjoy life, and learn and grow! Sleep is (in my opinion) the most important thing for a baby. This is how they learn, this is when they grow, this is how the recharge for the day ahead of all the “firsts” they get to experience. And my son wasn’t benefiting at all. He wasn’t sleeping. He was miserable, I was miserable, something had to change.
You see the problem with the “whatever works method” is that eventually….it’s not going to work, and then you are stuck. This is where I continued to find myself every week or so. My son had no sense of routine because I was constantly changing it up on him, but I had no choice, he had to sleep and nothing was working.
Finally we got to “rock bottom” as they say. I had spent the last 3 weeks trying to console a screaming baby until he literally would pass out from crying. He literally passed out in my arms from sheer exhaustion. This is NOT OK! I could feel myself slipping into the depression I felt in the first few weeks of mommyhood and that was NOT OK (you can read THAT story here)! This was literally destroying our lives. This is the very moment when I said enough is enough, and started sleep training my son.
I had always said I would NEVER resort to CIO (cry it out). Well again another whoops on my behalf, judging mothers without fully understanding where they are coming from. It is ok to have opinions on things, but when it comes to crying it out or sleep training, I don’t really think you can say “I’d never do that” until you have been in the shoes of someone who has resorted to it. I realize my mistake now, judging a mother for trying to help not only herself but her baby.
This was NOT a decision I made lightly. I stressed over this choice I made, I cried over it, I really hated myself for it. I suppose I felt like I had “failed” my son because I couldn’t get him to sleep without letting him figure it out on his own. I have come to realize this is probably the BEST decision I ever made for my family.
Yep I resorted to letting him cry it out, and I am sooooooo happy I did. I am SOOOOO happy I checked my ego at the door and did what was best for not only my family but for my son. Now you can disagree with me all you want but again until you have walked in my shoes you have no place to judge me. You have no right to an opinion about this unless you’ve been there, in sleep hell. I’m not talking “oh sheesh my baby was up 3 times for 2 weeks”, I’m not talking “we hit the sleep regression and had a few rough weeks”. I am talking pure blown sleep hell. Sleep 3 hours a night for 5 months and then get back to me 😉
The first night we started it was mostly spur of the moment. We did bedtime as always, and there I was an hour into getting him down and he was screaming at me, punching me, rubbing his face into my shoulder, he was exhausted, I was crying, it was a mess! I gave him a hug kissed him and set him in his crib, turned on his rockabye lullaby music, closed the door and left. I sat on the couch and sobbed. My fiance asked if he wanted me to put him to bed….Yeah right, that always just made it worse. Orginally all I planend on doing was taking a breather before starting round two. When my fiancé stood up I said “leave him, we can’t keep doing this” so he sat back down. I cried, I poured my heart out to my fiancé, I told him AGAIN how I felt like the worst mother. Why couldn’t I get him to sleep? Everyone else I knew had babies that slept! What had I done wrong? You know what he said? “Babe, every baby is different, stop comparing him too everyone else’s babies.” Ok…..I had heard that countless times but never really digested it. Why WAS I comparing him to every other baby….he is an individual like you or I. I don’t like sleeping with socks on but I bet half of you reading this couldn’t imagine sleeping any other way! Then something magical happened. The crying stopped. WHAAAAAAAAAA?????? He cried for a total of 20 minutes, he played quietly for another 10 minutes with his lovey, and he was out….What in the fuck….???????
I still felt tremendous guilt. I felt like as soon as this can of worms opened I would be judged to know end! But why? Why would someone judge me for helping my son! Because there have been studies that show letting your baby cry can cause abandonment issues….I don’t believe that so try again. Because I good mother should never want to hear her baby cry? Well you hit the nail on the head there I wanted to die hearing his cries, try again. Because he will learn how to sleep eventually?? Eventually when? In a year, when he is 3…when he is 7? Because he needs me now? He clearly wasn’t happy with me “soothing” him to sleep, all he did was fight me for hours. When I left him he passed out in FRACTIONS of the time it would have taken me to “soothe” him…sooooo that’s not it. Because he will resent me? Ahhhh negatory boss, the smiles I get from him, could break your heart. I have more energy now, and more patience to spend time with him. I get a little “me time” now that he naps so I WANT to spend time with my baby boy when he is up. So again wrong. Could I go on living with 3-4 hours of sleep every night? No. Could he? No. Even with all this I still know people are going to judge me and that’s fine, I’m sure I could say many things on your parenting style as well, but that just ain’t my jam. I don’t judge, you do whatever you know is right for your family and that’s a-ok in my books.
After I came to terms and dove head first into sleep training, everything got better. That night he woke up TWICE! The next day his naps extended to an hour, he fussed for 10 minutes at bedtime and woke up 2 times! Last night (yes I have only been at this for three days!) fussed for about 3 minutes, played quietly for 4 more and went to sleep. He woke up twice. and slept until 8. That is 13 hours of sleep with two wake ups. I heard him stiring while my fiancé got ready for work and he put himself back to sleep, no crying, he just rolled over cuddled his lovey and went to sleep! We have had tremendous success, and quickly. I know it doesn’t always work this fast with everyone, so I am blessed. I was told to stick it out, and I did and I am so very happy I did. I’m not suggesting this method would work for everyone, I’m just trying to get across that sometimes it is a last resort.
Anytime I feel a wave of guilt, or think someone might think I am less of a mother I look at my son and see his brignt eyes not laced with the story of last nights struggles, I don’t see his eyes rimmed with red, I don’t see him rubbing his eyes, and crying. I see him playing, and learning, and smiling, and I know what I am doing is the best possible thing for him.
I’m hoping that any mom, or dad for that matter, who is struggling with sleep, and having a hard time deciding if they want to attempt sleep training, feels empowered by this. Stop caring what others will think, and stop taking everything you read as the holy grail of rasing a baby. Not everything works for every baby, and if it works for your baby your lucky. I also hope anyone with a negative opinion about CIO and sleep training walks away from this with at least alittle insight into the mind of a parent who had no choice but to start sleep training. It’s easy to judge someone, and say it’s something you’d never do, until you are in these shoes, living this life. I know because I was that person who is now eating my words.
The day has arrived, the day you have been anticipating for oh at least 9 months. Ever since you peed on that stick and saw that pink line that changed your life forever. You just indured x amount of hours of labour….maybe, maybe you had a scheduled c section, regardless you are holding your precious baby FINALLY. Maybe you are filled with euphoric love for your new son or daughter, but maybe not. Maybe you are like me and countless other moms who don’t know what to think about this new tiny human you are holding. And that is OKAY!
Can we please just talk about our emotions after the whirlwind that is child bearing and labour? I feel there is this ridiculous pressure put on mothers (and fathers) to have this overwhelming, to the moon, tears of joy, love for their new baby, when in reality that just doesn’t happen…at least not for everyone. Maybe you are one of the few (yes few) that feel this, but truthfully I think it’s a load of shit. I think it is the “baby high” your tired…utterly exhausted, your body has gone through a ridiculous endeavour, family and friends are gathered around ahhing about this beautiful bundle of joy asking you…actually telling you how amazing you must feel, and how much love you must feel. So your laying there in awe and yes you feel euphoric. But lets jump hmmm maybe 3-4 days later. Everyone is gone, you have probably been discharged from the hospital, you are at home, your baby isn’t tired from delivery anymore, he or she is screaming bloody murder, you don’t know what to do….anxiety sets it. “OMG what have I done?”
Don’t lie…we have all been there we have all thought this at least once, and I call bull shit on ANY PARENT who says otherwise. I feel we are told as parents in training how we should feel after having our baby. “Oh your life is about too change”, “you will never know a love greater then that of your child.” “You forget the pain and sleepless nights.” “It gets better.” This all may be true….EVENTUALLY, but in the now, in the right fucking now, I want to throat punch you. I will be honest and I will spill my heart out because this crap has to stop.
I will share MY experience of the first few weeks with my new son. I was hesitant to write this blog as I feel some people will think I am coming off negative, or like I hate my son. I don’t! I cannot begin to describe the love I have for my baby boy, he brings me more joy then anything I have ever known, but it was a process to get to this point, a learning curve, it took time too develop our bond and I’m glad.
Our pregnancy was not planned, my son was not a mistake, he was a pleasant surprise for something we had hoped for eventually in our near future. Anyway after some strange painful symptoms, useless doctor visits, and a friend asking “are you sure your not pregnant?” I peed on a stick and got an instant positive. Well I was shocked, but strangly at ease with it all. It seemed *right*.
9 Months seems like forever! I honestly felt like I was pregnant for 5 years. I watched other friends grow big bellies and pop out their precious babies before me and it was making me so antsy! I would talk to my friends and everything seemed so magical. Yes we discussed the not so fun things of mommyhood but all my mommy friends had such a great attitude towards it all. I realize now they were trying to keep my enthusiasm about becoming a mother, for if we honestly discussed the first few weeks/months I would have been panicing!
I went into labour the day before my due date, and delivered my son the next day by C-section on his due date. My boy is punctual 🙂 I had gone without sleep for about 36 long hours, labour was tough I had crazy back labour, and my midwife was keeping me at home as long as possible so no drugs. When I finally arrived at the hospital I was basically ready to push, so no time for drugs even though I wanted them. I pushed for about 2.5 hours with absolutely no progress, an OB came in to assess my situation. My son was stuck and needed to be delivered by C-section. Honestly at that point I was so relieved. I was tired, actually that is an understatement. I was utterly exhausted, I have never in my life felt that kind of fatigue. I was all ready for them to cut me open I didn’t care anymore. I was sweating from pain, my body had taken over and had just started trying to project my son out of me, I was done, totally done. So once they announced I had delivered a baby boy (team green) and I heard him cry, I smiled, and then just felt a wave of relaxation wash over me. They bundled up my little boy and brought him to me and my fiancé too see, and this is where it all began.
I looked at my little baby all swaddled up, and my first thought was, “there he is”. I didn’t think my goodness I will die for this child, I didn’t cry, I don’t even think I gave him a kiss. My midwife held him there for what seemed like forever, I was straining my neck to see him, and felt awkward I wasn’t sure how I was “supposed” to be acting. How stupid….I shouldn’t have to act any way. But there I was kind of putting on a show for the nurses. I was thinking they must see moms bawling their eyes out everyday and here I am just staring like an idiot at my little boy. It made me feel like less of a mother now that I look back. Anyway they took him away and brought my fiancé with him, and started sewing me up. I had about 30 minutes in the OR and was chatting with the nurses. I got wheeled back into the birthing suite and met my fiancé doing skin to skin with my son. They brought my son to me and put him on my chest and we started to breastfeed. My midwife began man handling me (which actually WAS very helpful), and there were a handful of people in the room hooking me up to things, giving me drugs, watching me breast feed, cleaning up the birthing mess (ew), and so on. Then our families arrived. All 4 sets of grandparents (hubby and I both come from divorced families). So my baby is getting passed around, and he is being an angel. Not a peep. I felt great. I was going on almost 48 hours with no sleep at this point but I felt like I could run a marathon! Everyone left, and my new little family and I laid down to get some rest.
We stayed at the hospital for 3 days. Dare I say it was kind of like a vacation. I had food delivered to my room, nurses to help if I needed it (not that I did as my little boy rarely cried), my fiancé was there, we watched some movies, played cards, it was nice. Fast forward to our last night. My fiancé had to leave as he was doing a week of overtime which were midnight shifts. I felt a bit of anxiety thinking about it but tried to reassure myself that I would be fine. As soon as he gave me a kiss goodbye and left the hospital I started to cry. All I could think about was how worried I was he would get in an accident, or any other kind of horrid thing. I slept with the TV on that night. We got discharged the next day and I was so excited to get home and get back to “normal”. Normal was NOT waiting for me at home.
My fiancé was going to be working a full week of midnights so I was going to be on my own as a first time mommy overnight for 5 more days. Once my grandparents dropped me off and left I looked around my cold house, and felt utterly overwhelmed. There are no help buttons at my house, if I have a question or concern I can’t page a nurse…I could call my midwife but that is just different. I don’t have a nurse checking on me every 2-3 hours to make sure my son is wetting enough diapers, or eating well, or pooping enough. What am I going to do. I cried, and cried, then tried to do dishes to keep me occupied, then gave up and cried some more. I brought my son into our bedroom where my fiancé was sleeping and laid him in his bassinet. I then curled up with my fiancé to try and relax. I felt a bit better after sleeping. My mom brought our dogs home and brought my brothers to visit that night. I felt great again. Then they left. It was around 4pm and I knew hubby was getting ready to leave for work and that’s when the anxiety started to build. I have never felt like that before and I never want to feel like that again. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, I was so afraid of being alone. I kept calm and didn’t show my hubby how anxious I was. Once he left I cried. I went to the bathroom looked in the mirror and told myself “you are a good mom, you can do this, now get your shit together and get ready for bed.” I got all my bedtime chores done before it was dark, I had an idea the anxiety would be a lot worse once it was dark. I fed the dogs, tidied up, I stocked up the bedroom with diapers, sleepers, wipes, snacks, water, and so on. Then I locked myself in the bedroom (after checking the doors were locked about 10 times) and kept myself busy. I started my sons baby book, talked to friends, read baby articles, and so on. I stayed off facebook, and BabyCenter, as both caused me more anxiety. I watched happy shows like Ellen, big bang, two and a half men, and avoided the news at all costs. I continued this “routine” for the entire week. The anxiety didn’t go away. I thought I was getting better in the mornings, because I would feel good, but every night at about 4pm anxiety would strike me down again.
I finally told my fiancé on day 2 of being home how I was feeling. He didn’t understand but was completely supportive, and made sure he got the dishes done, helped with laundry and so on. My midwife came for her first home visit and she asked me how I was doing. I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying, and I couldn’t explain to her how I was feeling. I couldn’t put into words that I felt like a shitty mom. I felt like I was a failure because of these emotions. Wasn’t I supposed to be all wrapped up in my love for this child? I couldn’t even say the words “I love you”. I was so unsure about how I was feeling I couldn’t even tell my son I loved him. It breaks my heart as I sit here writing this and being this vulnerable to all you reading, but it’s the truth.
My fiancé was finally off midnights and I felt like a new person…at first. He was laid off for 2 weeks, so I had some help. Thank god! Because after that first week my son became a nightmare! He wouldn’t sleep, he screamed all night, took hours of rocking, shhing, bouncing, and so one to fall asleep, only to wake again after an hour. I was so tired! I am so grateful for my hubby and all the help and support he gave me those first few weeks but that isn’t the point. All those emotions came back but worse. I started getting angry! I would yell at the dogs for licking spilt milk, I would yell at my son because I didn’t know what was wrong, and then I would sink into depression because it wasn’t his fault. I just kept saying “I’m a terrible mother, I shouldn’t feel like this”. I was starting to worry I actually had post-partum depression and not just “the blues”. I finally started to open up to friends and family. I talked to some mommy friends, these ladies helped me through my darkest mommy moments, and assured me that “this too shall pass” and it will get better. I cannot thank them enough for helping me. You (and you both know who you are) helped me keep my sanity through those tough newborn weeks. I talked to my mom, she was my rock, if I called her crying she came right over to talk me through it. I love my mom, and have a new appreciation for all that she does. I talked to my mother in law, and she was so supportive. She reassured me that everything I was feeling, and thinking was totally normal. I talked to other family members who did the same. I turned to my BabyCenter mamas and was surprised by how many of them were going through the same things I was going through. And I talked to my midwives. Oh my midwives, I love them dearly, they were my rainbow through my storm. They were always there to reassure me, and when I thought I was completely losing it they were still there offering words of encouragement and love and support. I cannot thank these amazing women enough.
I remember talking to a friend and telling her that I didn’t get that “love” everyone talks about when my baby was born. I was surprised when she said me neither…Once I brought it up on my baby group I was surprised how many mommies felt the same! It took me about 3 weeks to really develop the “bond” everyone was talking about. I had scary thoughts of wanting to shake him, I remember saying to my hubby “I get it, I get why parents shake their kids, I;m not going to but I totally get how a mom could lose her cool.” This was a hard thing to admit, as so many people will look down on me for admitting this, but my hope is to give other moms clarity that they ARE NOT alone, and in my opinion it’s a natural thought at 4am with no sleep and an inconsolable baby. I would plop him down in his crib while he was screaming and walk outside and sit there for 5 minutes to collect myself. I had thoughts like, “what have I done, I’m not ready.” or, “I miss my old life”. Please don’t misunderstand, I wouldn’t trade my life now for anything, and I can’t imagine myself in any other way, but those first few weeks are tough.
Am I ashamed to admit this all? HELL NO! Can we just be honest with each other? Do we have to portray this fallacy of what motherhood *should* be? Can we not all just admit that we have all been there? We have all lost our cool, we have all taken a few extra minutes in the shower to cry, we have all screamed into a pillow, we have all slamed the door just a liiiiiitle too hard? Why are we comparing each others experiences and making honest mothers feel like a failure for admitting she isn’t perfect?
Slowly but surely I sarted feeling like myself again. I was escaping the darkness, and hopelessness I had been feeling. I still have moments where I lose it, usually when I am sleep deprived, but no where near the feelings I was feeling. If you are reading this and you have felt those feelings or ARE feeling like this, talk to someone, anyone, me, message me, I might not have all the answers but I can listen. Sometimes that is all it takes. Now with all that said I will share a few of the ways I coped during the scary days, for anyone who is right there.
1) TALK if you didn’t get from my story that talking is helpful….GET IT! Talk to everyone and anyone who will listen to you! Talk to your friends, family, doctors, midwives, whoever. Even if you are afraid of what people will think. Who gives a shit what people think of you. Know you ARE A GOOD MOTHER!
2) Surround yourself with positivety. Turn off the news, it’s depressing. Watch something happy even if that means watching looney tunes, or my fav Magic School Bus.
3) Have background noise, it makes the home feel less lonely those first few weeks.
4) Get out of the house. This was hard for me because of my C-section, but family and friends would come over, or pick me up. Even just a short walk, or sitting outside will help. A mom on my baby group had the best advice. “Fake it till you make it” it is sooo true. Even if you don’t want to get out, you really will feel better once you force yourself to. Also as hard as it is exercise is proven to release serotonin, “the feel good hormone”, so get walking even if it’s only a 10 minute walk.
5) EAT! It is very easy to get caught up in everything and neglect yourself, but just make it a priority. My midwife gave me the best advice if your baby is screaming they are alive and breathing so eat something. Go grocery shopping before baby and pickup healthy, quick snacks. Bars, nuts, yogurts, microwave dinners and soups, finger veggies, meal shakes, quick and easy food to grab. When you eat well you feel well.
6) Stay hydrated, my emotions got really out of hand with dehydration.
7) Take your prenatal vitamins.
8) Take a break. Ask your significant other, a friend, or family to come by and watch your little one while you have a bath, or a nap. On that note, take up the offers everyone is giving you! If they are offering it they genuinely want to help.
9) REST while baby sleeps. I say rest because I couldn’t nap. Everyone told me “sleep while baby sleeps” well my anxiety stopped me from doing that. I couldn’t turn off my brain, but I would lay down anyway and read, or watch tv, I just relaxed and it helped. But sleep if you can! The sleep depreivation was the biggest player in my emotions.
10) Take a shower/bath. It makes you feel brand new.
Know that 80% of women are going through this too. It will pass, you will feel normal again. Your body is going through a huge adjustement. Essentially You are going through a hormone withdrawl. You were just being pumped with all these hormones and now that organ (placenta) is gone and the hormones have stopped cold turkey. Medically speaking you are effed right up….for lack of a better term, but you will be okay.
With that said, if you feel that your thoughts are becoming increasingly more violent towards yourself or your baby, or you have more bad days then good days, please do not hesitate to speak to your health care provider as post-partum depression is a very real thing and is treatable (and also NOTHING to be ashamed of).
I hope this has enlightened someone, as it was a difficult post to write. Love yahs! xo
There is something to be said for the leaps and bounds we have come in modern science, we can prevent diseases from ever occurring, we can cure things we never dreamed of, we can go to space without actually going to space, and we can scare the living shit out of new and veteran moms.
As a first time mom I have turned to Google for countless things. I am actually quite embarrassed about some of the things I have Googled…”Can the venom from a bee sting pass through my milk?” being one of the most shameful. It can’t by the way…. The problem is, every time I Google something I either decide my child is dying of some foreign disease, or I am a terrible mother.
I have been very fortunate to find a wonderful group of ladies on BabyCenter.ca (Canadian NOT American…man they can be mean) and I would actually call these ladies “friends”. We all had babies in May of 2013, and we have been talking for over a year at this point. We have been through so many things “together” it is amazing. The support I’ve received (and given) from these mama’s is beautiful! I never feel ashamed to admit anything, but I’m getting off topic, I just love these ladies, they are my rock. My point to this is that there seems to always be conflicting information and opposing opinions. Which is part of why it is such a great group, we all learn from one another. However this got me thinking…how can everyone have such different information from so many sources.
Recently I have been researching the introduction to solid foods. when my son stopped sleeping well, it was recommended to try him on baby cereal because it was possible he was hungry. So even though I didn’t think this was the problem I tried it out…why I didn’t follow my gut I’m not sure. It made no difference to his sleep habits so from then I decided to talk to my doctor before proceeding with cereal or any other solids for that matter. After receiving confusing information from my doctor…I was lost.
Now a lot of my BabyCenter friends have received mixed recommendations from their doctors. Some have seriously old school doctors who recommend they start whenever, or to add in some pablum to the bottle to help baby sleep, then you have some doctors who are “current” on their solid knowledge who recommend no earlier then 6 months (like my doctor), and then….you have doctors who seem ahead of the game suggesting new research is recommending we start between 4-6 months now…WHHHAAAAAA?!?!
Here I am telling mamas to wait till 6 months, and I have no idea what I am even saying. So I decided if I wanted an answer I’d have to look into it myself. Want to know what? I could not find a conclusive answer (not that I am surprised). Every article, every bit of research I read had something else to add or take away from the previous piece I had just read. Some said to start between 4-6, some said 6, some said wait till after 6 months, some said start with cereal, some said meat, some said veggies, and so on. The most recent articles I found (March-May of this year) suggest starting between 4-6 months, and starting with meats and veggies. However they also suggest that what you start with really makes no difference as no research has been done to conclude any of this, and that starting at 4 or 6 months seems to be no better for allergies. Well what the hell….why is everyone shoving this down our throats then? I felt like the worst mom on the planet for even considering starting solids now. ARGH!
I found one article I really liked, I’m not going to post it because I am NOT here to make up your mind, what you do with your child is your own business and I support any mom with whatever she chooses to do. But why I liked it so much was because it said not every baby is ready for solids at the same time. Boy do I agree with that! My son is almost 16 pounds…he is huge! So are my boobs trying to keep up with him (not that I am complaining….). I will continue to give him breast milk as his main diet, but yes I have started my journey in solids and he is JUST over 4 months now. I also loved that the answer as to why their is such conflicted information about this topic is because no one actually knows when the best time to start is. Well sheesh WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SAY SO!!!!
So to get to what got me thinking about this topic. I offered my son avocado tonight, I have decided to skip cereal, for reasons I will not get into on here. I was hesitant if he would like it as I find it is an acquired taste (I love it but know others who don’t). To my surprise, he literally grabbed the spoon from my hand and proceeded to feed himself. Yes my 4 month old son took a spoonful of avocado and put the right end into his mouth and ate it. I filled up his spoon and he did it again. He did this for almost 1/4 of an avocado then started to gag (I guess he was a bit too eager) and decided he had enough. If I wasn’t convinced before if he was “ready” boy did that make up my mind.
I suppose he had shown all the “signs” of being ready, but he has always been a strong baby. He has always been able to hold his head up well, he has been able to sit in his bumbo since maybe 2.5 months, he is always “interested” in what I am doing including eating, he mimics everything I do including chewing….so I just put off all these “signs” as me being eager to start solids.
Yes I am excited to introduce my baby to food, who wouldn’t be. I love food, I love every kind of food, I love eating, I want my son to enjoy food, and experience food. I tried to hold off my excitement to start food when he was ready. I had been toying with the idea of starting foods, but thought I should wait since it is recommended to start after 6 months. Why? Because apparently it helps avoid allergies, and GI issues down the road….says who? I’m sorry but how long has this research been going on….what kind of research are they doing? I know I wouldn’t subject my baby to tests with food to see what kind of issues I “might” be giving him down the road. So what mother is participating in these studies? I realize they aren’t actually locking kids up and feeding them stuff, but if you are just asking parents general questions….how can that be overly accurate. And to be honest there seems to be a rise in food allergies in the last oh lets say 10 years….not a decline… When I was in elementary school I ate peanut butter…I didn’t know ONE KID with a fatal allergy, or one who carried an epipen. I’m not saying this is all connected because I don’t know if it is, I’m just saying…all this research and all these recommendations don’t seem to be helping.
On that note, these studies, and recommendations are ALWAYS changing! You have to take it all with a grain of salt. I surprised myself one day responding to someone’s question by saying just that. I also commented that 50 years ago, my grandmothers doctor “recommended” to her to add a banana, and pablum to my mothers bottle at a few days old. That was standard practice back then. And 23 years ago my mothers doctor was telling my mom “it doesn’t matter if you choose to breast feed or formula feed they are essentially the same.” that was the “recommendation” back then. She was also “recommended” to put me too sleep on my side not my back, which was just new that year from tummy sleeping.
My point is, is that recommendations are just that recommendations. I think my BabyCenter mommies can agree that you do what works. I’m sorry but I’m not going to kill myself abiding by every single recommendation and rule set out by god knows who at such and such institute. My son sleeps in his cribs with a receiving blanket snuggled into his face, he likes it and falls asleep on his own this way. He also sleeps on his side, and he has a stuffed animal that plays noise in his crib too….and some nights if its cold I put a blanket on him. Do I worry something may happen, yes every night, but he doesn’t sleep otherwise. He seems comfortable, and I do my best to make it all as safe as possible. I use a thin muslin receiving blanket so it’s more breathable, I waited to put him on his side until he could roll, I try to dress him warmly enough that I DON’T need an extra blanket, and I keep the stuffy away from him by his feet. Is it ideal, no…but it works for us.
My mom made an excellent point (she really is a genius….I should listen too her more often…I seem to always come back to what she says EVENTUALLY), she said that society, and all these studies have literally petrified us new moms so much that we are terrified that anything we do “isn’t right” and therefore harming our children. She didn’t have Google, or parenting books when she was raising us so they all had to “wing it’. I feel like I am always spitting out “well studies say…” or “research states…” and frankly I sound like a douche. Older generations are just (usually) just trying to help…and sometimes the “right way” might not work for your baby so try something old school. Like side sleeping… *wink wink*
Anyway I am getting off topic, but essentially I am trying to get the point across that we as mothers (and fathers) have lost all natural instinct. It is sad. My instinct has been telling me for weeks, the reason he seems to constantly want to eat is because he is a big boy and wants food. But I ignored it because “it isn’t right to start now” My instincts are down there…somewhere, but are muffled by all these DAMN recommendations.
I am vowing to myself here and now that I will follow my instincts. I won’t completely ignore recommendations, but I promise myself I will read into it and make up my OWN decision based on what I feel will benefit my son, myself and my family. I urge all you parents reading to do the same. Because you know one day we are going to be the crazy grandparents telling our grandkids to start solids at 6 months, have a “clean” crib, breast feed for 2 years, skip pablum, avoid CIO at all costs, and so on.
I hate breastfeeding, that was the original name to this post. I had every intention of coming on here and rhyming off the reasons I hate breastfeeding, but then tonight happened.
First I will give a very short back history on mine and my son’s breastfeeding history.
My son is a chubby little man weighing in at just under 16lbs and 25cm long at 4 months. He was 8lbs 13oz at birth….he is a big boy. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I got bamboozled with the question are you going to breast feed? My answer? ” I will try but I won’t be heartbroken if I can’t”. To be honest I knew deep down if it was as hard and painful as everyone said, I would quit. I read up a bit on technique etc. but my whole mentality while pregnant was to let things just happen and to be open minded to everything, while TRYING to stay relaxed.
From the second I was out of recovery (C Section) I was able to have skin to skin contact with my baby (general practice now a days I think) and start breastfeeding. My midwife was there to help me and after getting man handled, my son latched right away. I thank her for the man handling because I fully believe her aggressive ways is what made us successful from the get go. Ever since my baby boy has latched wonderfully regardless of his tongue tie. I struggled in the beginning with my new role not only as a mother but as a nurturer. I was his everything, day and night I needed to be there to provide nourishment for my baby. Although yes a beautiful thing it is exhausting and a HUGE adjustment. I contemplated switching to formula, and bounced around the idea of pumping breast milk to feed in a bottle. In the end my laziness and frugal ways won over and I stuck to breast feeding.
We introduced a bottle early around 10 days old, I needed a break I was losing it. He took to it amazingly and honestly I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted. I had a small portion of my freedom back, a small portion of my sanity back! After successfully bottle and breast feeding for WEEKS my son started to reject my breast. It occurred to me how much I wanted to continue breast feeding, for a handful of reasons. So I eliminated the bottle and have been exclusively breast feeding ever since.
I should mention I NEVER thought I would be an exclusive breast feeder. I like the idea of my freedom and I am totally ok with my son having formula. But alas here we are.
Now to the present.
We have been having a very tough go with sleep. Anyone who remotely knows me is aware of my struggles with this. We have had lots of sleepless nights, and fussy days due to short “power naps” and restless nights. So I started my journey in sleep training. I took my own approach at this and basically eliminated the crying portion (although there were moments I had to leave the room in order to not lose my shitcompose myself). Basically all I wanted was to stop nursing my little man too sleep so he could learn to “fall asleep without props” and transition from light to deep sleep and vice versa without mommies boobie.
We have been doing ok….he *can* put himself to sleep but it is a struggle. However we successfully stopped nursing too sleep.
Now to my point.
Today our day was just out the window. Combine a sleepless/restless night, with a late wake up, then out all day…it is a babies recipe for disaster. Anyway, he fell asleep beside me in bed and stayed asleep for 1.5 hours! Our longest stretch in quite awhile. So no way in hell I’m waking him up…even as “bedtime” came and went. We usually start our bedtime routine around 630, well babybear didn’t wake up till 7….routine out the window. Once he got up we played a little, I ate dinner, and we started bedtime around 7:30. I pumped a bottle (I’m trying to introduce a bottle) and then started feeding him. He did eat the 3oz I pumped but kept rooting to find “the goods”.
Once he finished the bottle (YAY!), he still seemed hungry so I popped out the boobies and let him top himself up.
This is when it all hit me like a shit ton of bricks.
My god, I love this little boy so much, and I LOVE that I can breast feed him. Now brace yourself this will likely get cheese factor 10 right here.
There my son is nursing away, and I’m watching him. He seems so content with life, so calm, relaxed, and warm. I’m providing him not only nourishment to help him grow and learn, but I’m providing him warmth, love, and a safe place. I am everything to this little being. As I am thinking this his hand is moving around, he finds my face and starts to stroke it. So I find his hand and let him hold my finger. I give his tiny hand a kiss, then his little forehead. I’m watching him get sleepy, and he is fighting to keep his eyes open, but you can tell the sleepiness is overwhelming him as his eyes start getting heavy. This is the moment I realized I was smiling and had tears in my eyes. I have comforted my son in such a way he feels safe enough to be completely vulnerable in my arms, and drift into sleep.
I let him lay there for awhile just watching him sleep, he was so warm, and fit so perfectly into my arms. It was one of those moments that time seems to stand still. It’s a moment I will cherish and look back on for years too come.
He is sleeping now in his crib, as I sit here drinking a warm tea and writing this.
Breastfeeding is not this precious usually but these moments make all the stuff I “hate” so worth it.
My Mommy Life 