I hate breastfeeding, that was the original name to this post. I had every intention of coming on here and rhyming off the reasons I hate breastfeeding, but then tonight happened.
First I will give a very short back history on mine and my son’s breastfeeding history.
My son is a chubby little man weighing in at just under 16lbs and 25cm long at 4 months. He was 8lbs 13oz at birth….he is a big boy. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I got bamboozled with the question are you going to breast feed? My answer? ” I will try but I won’t be heartbroken if I can’t”. To be honest I knew deep down if it was as hard and painful as everyone said, I would quit. I read up a bit on technique etc. but my whole mentality while pregnant was to let things just happen and to be open minded to everything, while TRYING to stay relaxed.
From the second I was out of recovery (C Section) I was able to have skin to skin contact with my baby (general practice now a days I think) and start breastfeeding. My midwife was there to help me and after getting man handled, my son latched right away. I thank her for the man handling because I fully believe her aggressive ways is what made us successful from the get go. Ever since my baby boy has latched wonderfully regardless of his tongue tie. I struggled in the beginning with my new role not only as a mother but as a nurturer. I was his everything, day and night I needed to be there to provide nourishment for my baby. Although yes a beautiful thing it is exhausting and a HUGE adjustment. I contemplated switching to formula, and bounced around the idea of pumping breast milk to feed in a bottle. In the end my laziness and frugal ways won over and I stuck to breast feeding.
We introduced a bottle early around 10 days old, I needed a break I was losing it. He took to it amazingly and honestly I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted. I had a small portion of my freedom back, a small portion of my sanity back! After successfully bottle and breast feeding for WEEKS my son started to reject my breast. It occurred to me how much I wanted to continue breast feeding, for a handful of reasons. So I eliminated the bottle and have been exclusively breast feeding ever since.
I should mention I NEVER thought I would be an exclusive breast feeder. I like the idea of my freedom and I am totally ok with my son having formula. But alas here we are.
Now to the present.
We have been having a very tough go with sleep. Anyone who remotely knows me is aware of my struggles with this. We have had lots of sleepless nights, and fussy days due to short “power naps” and restless nights. So I started my journey in sleep training. I took my own approach at this and basically eliminated the crying portion (although there were moments I had to leave the room in order to not lose my shit compose myself). Basically all I wanted was to stop nursing my little man too sleep so he could learn to “fall asleep without props” and transition from light to deep sleep and vice versa without mommies boobie.
We have been doing ok….he *can* put himself to sleep but it is a struggle. However we successfully stopped nursing too sleep.
Now to my point.
Today our day was just out the window. Combine a sleepless/restless night, with a late wake up, then out all day…it is a babies recipe for disaster. Anyway, he fell asleep beside me in bed and stayed asleep for 1.5 hours! Our longest stretch in quite awhile. So no way in hell I’m waking him up…even as “bedtime” came and went. We usually start our bedtime routine around 630, well babybear didn’t wake up till 7….routine out the window. Once he got up we played a little, I ate dinner, and we started bedtime around 7:30. I pumped a bottle (I’m trying to introduce a bottle) and then started feeding him. He did eat the 3oz I pumped but kept rooting to find “the goods”.
Once he finished the bottle (YAY!), he still seemed hungry so I popped out the boobies and let him top himself up.
This is when it all hit me like a shit ton of bricks.
My god, I love this little boy so much, and I LOVE that I can breast feed him. Now brace yourself this will likely get cheese factor 10 right here.
There my son is nursing away, and I’m watching him. He seems so content with life, so calm, relaxed, and warm. I’m providing him not only nourishment to help him grow and learn, but I’m providing him warmth, love, and a safe place. I am everything to this little being. As I am thinking this his hand is moving around, he finds my face and starts to stroke it. So I find his hand and let him hold my finger. I give his tiny hand a kiss, then his little forehead. I’m watching him get sleepy, and he is fighting to keep his eyes open, but you can tell the sleepiness is overwhelming him as his eyes start getting heavy. This is the moment I realized I was smiling and had tears in my eyes. I have comforted my son in such a way he feels safe enough to be completely vulnerable in my arms, and drift into sleep.
I let him lay there for awhile just watching him sleep, he was so warm, and fit so perfectly into my arms. It was one of those moments that time seems to stand still. It’s a moment I will cherish and look back on for years too come.
He is sleeping now in his crib, as I sit here drinking a warm tea and writing this.
Breastfeeding is not this precious usually but these moments make all the stuff I “hate” so worth it.
My Mommy Life 